UPDATE: I TYPED THIS AWHILE BACK AND JUST DIDN’T HAVE THE GUTS TO HIT THAT FINAL POST BUTTON. IT’S BEEN SITTING IN MY DRAFT FOLDER TAUNTING ME. SO TODAY I AM FORCING MYSELF TO FACE REALITY. SO I SET IT TO AUTOPOST ON THIS DATE AND WALKED AWAY!
I realized years ago the power of putting emotions down on these pages. I began my first blog at a really dark time and somehow putting these words into print some how sorted the crazy in my brain. Then people began to react and let me know that my writing did something for them. My random ramblings of crazy was making perfect sense to someone out there. If you read through my former blog you will see that I tried so many different routes to find my happy place. I tried so many options to be healthy and look certain ways. Some gave me peace and some absolutely did not and sent me further down the rabbit hole.
Lately I get a lot of comments from people around me that usually start with “your skinny, you don’t understand” to “what you weigh like a buck o’five?” I’ve been in your shoes and I still don’t like the reflection I see in the mirror. I have days my pants don’t fit, it’s upsetting at any weight when that happens. I have days nothing I try on looks right. My point here isn’t that your being a jerk! It’s that while I am proud of the work I have put in to get to where I am today but I still see those flaws.. JUST..LIKE..YOU!
To most the world you see this. An average decent shaped girl who spends a lot of time focusing on the way she looks. You’re mostly right.
However I am about to share the worst photo I have ever taken with you, the photo that no matter how hard I try it stays the same. After taking this photo I sat on the floor and cried for a good 10 minutes. Because once again I went down the rabbit hole, I knew I shouldn’t but I did it anyway. I knew exactly what it would look like. I see this problem at least 10 times a week, when I am with a client, alone working out and teaching class. Every time I hold a plank I get a first hand shot of the damage I did to my body because I just didn’t care. Because I put other things and other people ahead of my own health. You see all the weight-loss and muscle gain in the world will not make this “perfect again.”It’s nothing more than hanging skin reminding me of past failures. Can you use this defeat as an excuse to not continue the lifestyle I have fought so hard for?
ABSOLUTELY NOT! IT IS NOT OKAY TO USE YOUR DEFEATING MOMENTS IN LIFE TO STOP STRIVING FOR PROGRESS. IT’S NOT OKAY TO MEDICATE YOURSELF WITH FOOD OR ALCOHOL INSTEAD OF FACING YOUR DEMONS HEAD ON!
If you don’t know how to face those demons then my friends it is time to reach out and find a friend or even more severe situations a professional. There is nothing wrong with seeking help or finding an outlet with like minded people. Wallowing in emotions is never healthy.
Maybe your situation where you stare into the mirror and don’t like what is staring back at you has nothing to do with physical appearance. Maybe when you look in the mirror what plagues you is more than “skin deep.” But I promise you that whatever that may be, somewhere .. someone on this planet has the exact same feeling and emotions you do. You can choose to reach out, wake up and take the life that was given to you by the horns or you can sit and wallow in those thoughts and feelings. Make no mistake, how you deal with the deck of cards you have been dealt most definitely defines you as a person. Today be the person who fights back instead of standing in fear that flipping a card is going to cause you to bust.